Who Were the Wizards, Really?
by barefootbean
Summary: In which Chairman ponders a very serious question.


**Written for the Diana Wynne Jones Comment Ficathon on Dreamwidth. Have some ambiguous, vague and contemplative Chairman fic.**

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Who were the wizards, really?

Chairman pondered the question with a frown. Well, how did one answer that? Wizards were fickle creatures of habit. They were born with talent, and if lucky, they were trained in their craft. Exceptional abilities varied, though were almost all related in strength to other magical family members, certified teachers of the trade, and/or years of study. They made their way of living either as self-employed workers or government trainees and earned their wages based off of abilities, accepted clients and reputation. New wizards coming out of apprenticeships, therefore, were rather poor. If taken under the wing by royal wizards however, their chances of success were likely to be as high as the average magical prodigy.

Encounters with royal wizards usually only served to broadcast their eccentricity. They wielded their talents like the flimsiest of butter knives but their cuts were rightfully small and precise. Royal wizards, as Chairman knew, were very self-sacrificing men. They worked themselves weary for their nations and could either be stern and hard-pressed or gentle and kind. Although, that was not as well-known to Chairman in her experiences for their humbleness was often over shadowed by the colossal feats of another (re: _Lubbocks_).

Her answers were less than satisfying in effect:

_1. Royal Wizard Howl Pendragon: Brilliant bibliophile, flamboyant, wears lavish gowns - noted by his wife to be "vain as a peacock, a slitherer-outer, and disgustingly pretty" - a very clever and powerful man. Especially skilled at self altercation. Best wizard at divination in the world. Reputation questionable (eats hearts for breakfast for a healthy diet? but is supposedly "heartless" himself-), good at punching lubbockins. Seems to have a fondness for dramatics and so-called "special" effects. Can't be pinned to anything!_

_2. Royal Wizard Benjamin Suliman (or was it "Wizard Sullivan?" - must ask Sophie): Honest and dutiful man of many talents - Ingarian King's personal adviser/right-hand man. Of good repute. Happily married (was once a skull Sophie says she bleached with weed killer? - again, must ask Sophie)._

_3. Royal Wizard Norland (alternate title: Uncle William - under friendly, familial circumstances): Kindly man, kindly-voiced, friendly-faced, good friend with King Adolphus X. Has a very shiny bald-head - notably not purple. (Excellent teacher and cook - does not starve apprentices)._

_4. Wizard Melicot: Illusionist, extraordinary architect, proficient at lisping. Currently deceased._

Here, Chairman chewed on her eraser. But what of others in the magical world? Her father was skilled with magic in the kitchen, but he certainly didn't fall under the title of wizard.

Witches on the other hand were rather tame in most cases, but one could not put aside their fierceness or skills in charms and potions. Family witches usually received training from their mothers or came into their talents in their own time – in which cases, the witches in question were not very well-known. And those who taught themselves the trade were hedge witches (or, alternatively, half-wits!). Their businesses were often private and by-request-only unless certified. As Chairman had deducted from Peter's mother, the Witch of Montalbino made her living in a small port town. It was likely, she thought, that witches in general were regarded as second-rate in comparison to wizards. She figured the disdain higher-society often held about magic and women propriety lead to witches getting the short-end of the stick.

"How very unfair the world can be," she muttered with a tinge of annoyance. "Though, with women like the Witch of the Waste, our sex doesn't have a very fair representation!" She decided promptly to take her anger out on the paper before something dreadful happened.

_1. Witch of Montalbino, Peter's Mum, (alternatively, Princess Matilda): Efficient, efficient, efficient. Intimidating. As courtly as Princess Hilda at times (constantly scowling, it seems). Talented, talented, talented. Wonderful cook (what else?)._

_2. Sorceress Sophie Pendragon: Simply lovely! Very kind and polite. Is also tolerant, belligerent, a compulsive cleaner, and sensible. Regarded by Royal Wizard Pendragon as "fearsome" and "meddlesome" and "nosy and bossy" and "horrifyingly clean." Is said to be able to talk life into things (I am yet to see if this is accurate or not, however)._

_3. Witch of the Waste: Terrifying, heartless, cruel. Very, very powerful with magic. Royal Wizard Howl Pendragon supposedly jilted her once. Currently deceased._

Chairman gnawed on her pencil some more, feeling stumped. There were plenty of other witches out there she knew, but some were more deserving of the title than others. She trusted Aunt Sempronia as a witch only as far as she could throw her - which, according to her grand lack of muscles, was not very far – but she wasn't so keen as to deny a witch's powers. But the witches Sophie had spoken of to her through their correspondence – Chairman was only aware of them by name. They hardly counted, she decided then.

It was true that a witch or wizard could throw spells and charms around all they wanted, but only a few could use them in a wise and clever manner. But that still did not account for the Witch of the Waste, Chairman mused. Perhaps to an extent wickedness and correctitude played a bigger hand than she thought. Her thoughts turned rapidly inward. If so, what did that mean for her? Would her haughtiness and ignorance earn her a place on the edge of the Waste someday?

Sighing, she flicked at her notes, brooding. Her thoughts were too dark and meditative for her liking. There were a few others she was still missing, she realized. But those were people known to only a handful of eccentric, busybody wizards. Not anybody important.

_But_, her Uncle's voice argued in her head, _everyone is someone, my dear._

"Alright then! I see how it is," Chairman said. She pushed her glasses up on the bridge of her nose determinedly, and, with the utmost care, scratched at the bottom of the page in careful fine print:

_4. Chairman Baker, Royal Wizard Norland's Apprentice: Bookworm extraordinaire, elementalist, guardian of the Elfgift and keeper of royal records._

She read over the papers, and once satisfied by what she saw, left the contemplative silence of the study behind.


End file.
